What’s the hardest job in the world?
Don’t get all righteous and start talking about Chilean miners or child prostitutes in third-world countries. It’s Friday, let’s keep it simple, ‘Kay?
The correct answer is being a mother. And if you don’t think it’s a job, then you should read some self-esteem books and recognize that what you are doing is a job. That’s why nannies and day care centers make oodles of money.
Today’s work piece is by a mother who knows a thing or two about, well, everything. She asked to remain anonymous, which adds just the right level of intrigue and mystery that this blog was missing. So, thank you, Anonymous Mom, for the hilarious post, the reminder to take myself a little bit less seriously, and for setting the bar on motherhood just a little higher. Yeah, thanks for that.
I’m Not Saying I’m a Better Mom Than You
by Anonymous Mom
I’m not saying I’m a better mom that you, but I am doing a pretty good job. Everyone says my children are exceptional, but it’s really not that hard for a committed parent.
For starters, no, I don’t use Facebook. I don’t ever post about my children online, not ever. If people really cared about their children they would give them the precious gift of an entirely offline existence. We will let our daughter create her own online identity when she understands the importance of effectively managing it, which, at her current rate of intellectual and emotional maturation, we expect to be age 4.5 to 4.7.
Your approach to healthy food is interesting. Those fruit pouches you buy are even organic, which is a start. But you probably don’t know that the organic standards still allow for use of lots of dangerous pesticides. Of course, we avoid that problem by growing and making all our own food. I even make my own cereal. Speaking of which, I’m surprised you give your children Cheerios in a Ziploc. We only use glass.
Your little one is not a great sleeper? Ours were sleeping through the night at one month. I know you’re exhausted, but I’m shocked that you are trying the cry-it-out method. Studies show that even one night causes a lifetime of stress and PTSD equivalent to that found in survivors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I’m not saying I’m a better mom than you, but I would never inflict that on my children.
So, you drive and followed the recommendations to keep your children in rear-facing car seats until they were two? That’s something, but would you believe that car accidents are the leading cause of death and injury in children? It’s not that I love my children more than you, although I probably do, but we don’t allow our children to travel by car. Sure, it’s not that convenient to walk them everywhere, but I just don’t understand how any mother who loves her children can take that risk. I know you like walking and it’s great that you walk so much and really like your stroller. But for us, a stroller wasn’t an option. We just carry the children in our arms. It’s more natural and creates a bond between parent and child that’s really hard to explain to stroller users. Oh, but you use an ergo sometimes? Those are so commercial – I made my own organic cotton baby carrier from fabric I wove myself.
Don’t worry about making your child share your plastic toys with us. We don’t allow our children to come into contact with plastic, so my kids won’t even ask for a turn. If you did any research at all, you’d see how toxic those chemicals are. Let me know if you want me to share the name of the toy company we buy from. The toys are all made from wood grown in a sustainable forest in Washington. They don’t even have to kill the trees, they just carve out what they need and the tree continues to flourish.
You buy clothes branded with Dora and Diego? I’ve never heard of it, but, obviously, we don’t have a television. It’s great that you read to your kids. We read books all the time too. She reads to me though – the child of any competent parent should be reading by age three.
What enrichment activities are you enrolled in? Gymboree? I hear other people like that, but, personally, I wouldn’t take my kids to a big corporate chain that cares only about profit and not about children. We do Mandarin and Arabic, and of course, she’s already fluent in Spanish. We also do art, science, baseball, basketball, calculus camp, chess club, drama kids, dramatic interpretive dance and ballet, swimming and water polo. It’s a busy schedule, but it’s nothing any parent who actually cares about their children’s emotional, artistic and intellectual development wouldn’t do.
You breastfed? Oh, just for a year? I suppose that’s a start, but it was best for us to keep going to make sure we really developed that little brain. Plus, I just love pumping, so I pump for my whole family’s dairy needs. You should try my Roquefort. I guess the only drawback is I just can’t keep any weight on. But hey, I should consider myself lucky we live in the Kate Moss era instead of the Renaissance era.
And I guess we’re doing something right. We just had our annual check-up. Once again, our pediatrician says she’s the most advanced child he has ever seen. And I can’t take all the credit, I attribute her intelligence to my macrobiotic pregnancy diet. Oh, but you shouldn’t worry about your child, all kids develop at a different pace.
By the way, is your doctor worried about the shape and size of his head?