I’m Not Saying I’m A Better Mom Than You

What’s the hardest job in the world?

Don’t get all righteous and start talking about Chilean miners or child prostitutes in third-world countries.  It’s Friday, let’s keep it simple, ‘Kay?


The correct answer is being a mother.  And if you don’t think it’s a job, then you should read some self-esteem books and recognize that what you are doing is a job.  That’s why nannies and day care centers make oodles of money.

Today’s work piece is by a mother who knows a thing or two about, well, everything.  She asked to remain anonymous, which adds just the right level of intrigue and mystery that this blog was missing.  So, thank you, Anonymous Mom, for the hilarious post, the reminder to take myself a little bit less seriously, and for setting the bar on motherhood just a little higher. Yeah, thanks for that.

I’m Not Saying I’m a Better Mom Than You

by Anonymous Mom

I’m not saying I’m a better mom that you, but I am doing a pretty good job. Everyone says my children are exceptional, but it’s really not that hard for a committed parent.

For starters, no, I don’t use Facebook.  I don’t ever post about my children online, not ever. If people really cared about their children they would give them the precious gift of an entirely offline existence.  We will let our daughter create her own online identity when she understands the importance of effectively managing it, which, at her current rate of intellectual and emotional maturation, we expect to be age 4.5 to 4.7.

Your approach to healthy food is interesting.  Those fruit pouches you buy are even organic, which is a start.  But you probably don’t know that the organic standards still allow for use of lots of dangerous pesticides.  Of course, we avoid that problem by growing and making all our own food.  I even make my own cereal. Speaking of which, I’m surprised you give your children  Cheerios in a Ziploc.  We only use glass.

Your little one is not a great sleeper?  Ours were sleeping through the night at one month.  I know you’re exhausted, but I’m shocked that you are trying the cry-it-out method.  Studies show that even one night causes a lifetime of stress and PTSD equivalent to that found in survivors of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.  I’m not saying I’m a better mom than you, but I would never inflict that on my children.

So, you drive and followed the recommendations to keep your children in rear-facing car seats until they were two? That’s something, but would you believe that car accidents are the leading cause of death and injury in children?  It’s not that I love my children more than you, although I probably do, but we don’t allow our children to travel by car.  Sure, it’s not that convenient to walk them everywhere, but I just don’t understand how any mother who loves her children can take that risk.   I know you like walking and it’s great that you walk so much and really like your stroller.  But for us, a stroller wasn’t an option. We just carry the children in our arms.  It’s more natural and creates a bond between parent and child that’s really hard to explain to stroller users.  Oh, but you use an ergo sometimes?  Those are so commercial – I made my own organic cotton baby carrier from fabric I wove myself.

Don’t worry about making your child share your plastic toys with us.  We don’t allow our children to come into contact with plastic, so my kids won’t even ask for a turn.  If you did any research at all, you’d see how toxic those chemicals are.   Let me know if you want me to share the name of the toy company we buy from.  The toys are all made from wood grown in a sustainable forest in Washington.  They don’t even have to kill the trees, they just carve out what they need and the tree continues to flourish.
You buy clothes branded with Dora and Diego?  I’ve never heard of it, but, obviously, we don’t have a television.  It’s great that you read to your kids.  We read books all the time too.  She reads to me though – the child of any competent parent should be reading by age three.

What enrichment activities are you enrolled in?  Gymboree?  I hear other people like that, but, personally, I wouldn’t take my kids to a big corporate chain that cares only about profit and not about children.   We do Mandarin and Arabic, and of course, she’s already fluent in Spanish.  We also do art, science, baseball, basketball, calculus camp, chess club, drama kids, dramatic interpretive dance and ballet, swimming and water polo.  It’s a busy schedule, but it’s nothing any parent who actually cares about their children’s emotional, artistic and intellectual development wouldn’t do.

You breastfed?  Oh, just for a year?   I suppose that’s a start, but it was best for us to keep going to make sure we really developed that little brain.  Plus, I just love pumping, so I pump for my whole family’s dairy needs.  You should try my Roquefort.  I guess the only drawback is I just can’t keep any weight on.  But hey, I should consider myself lucky we live in the Kate Moss era instead of the Renaissance era.

And I guess we’re doing something right. We just had our annual check-up.  Once again, our pediatrician says she’s the most advanced child he has ever seen.  And I can’t take all the credit, I attribute her intelligence to my macrobiotic pregnancy diet.  Oh, but you shouldn’t worry about your child, all kids develop at a different pace.

By the way, is your doctor worried about the shape and size of his head?




65 thoughts on “I’m Not Saying I’m A Better Mom Than You

  1. hi

    not really getting your angle on this one, are you being sarcastic or egotistical. Children according to montessori should be kept innocent and unfetted by brain washing tactics of society for as long as possible and teaching to read should only start at the age of 8.

    No mother is better than any other mother, we all do our best within the capabilities we have. there are no rewards and seldom acknowledgements of the all we do and yet we plod along aiming to get it right. BUT

    regards to your remarks on organic food. Lady, research. learn about akaline vs acid forming foods and take your decision from there.

    Give them the best their bodies deserve, and if a dead carcass of pig, turkey, beef, chicken, ham or what ever else you choose to make them eat is your choice of best I’d recommend you read The encyclopidia of vegetarian living by peter cox, or victoria bentenko on raw food is great source of info, what ever just be aware of what you feeding them.

    Its not a competition and mothers should help each other.

    Stay well

    • Well, damn. And here my mom had me reading by the time I was 3. I guess she really fucked up, huh? Too bad it instilled in me a love of books and learning. *tsk tsk* But thanks for alerting us that Montessori recommends kids don’t learn to read until they’re EIGHT. Definitely won’t be using a Montessori program for my child, that’s for sure.

      You may or may not be aware that humans are omnivores. Therefore, those “dead carcasses” you speak of are absolutely what their bodies “deserve”.

      In case you missed it, this entire blog post was satire. In other words, it was basically making fun of extremism and parents who think that their way should be the only way and anyone who does differently CLEARLY doesn’t love their kids as much. In essence, your response 100% proved the point that was being made. Good job, you!

      I’m so tired of the Mom-petition. “This study says this, so we’re not doing that…and you shouldn’t, either”. How about this: You raise your kid however the heck you want to, and I will raise mine however the heck I want to. And in the end, if they’re ALL happy and healthy, then we’ve all done our freakin’ jobs and that’s all anyone can ask. Just because I don’t want to feed my kids organic leaf-flavored gravel pops with hemp milk for breakfast, that doesn’t make me a bad mom and it doesn’t make anyone who DOES feed their kids that a BETTER mom. It simply makes us ALL moms who are doing what we know how to do. We’re just doing it differently.

      So sick of the Judgy Judgersons.

  2. Funny post. Yes, got the joke and laughed out loud thinking about the pressures we put on ourselves to the point where for some, the only thing that makes them feel better is to make another mom feel like they didn’t get the memo. Have we all been guilty of this at some point, maybe even without realizing it? Always good to have a reminder that we need to just do our best, love our kids, and help each other. It is a wonderful job, and a tough one.

  3. OMG, that was great. I have the honor of knowing several humble-braggers with serious “contamination” fears. I have no desire to create the perfect environment or the perfect child. I let them know that up front. But, I’ve actually had another mother say to me. “I wouldn’t buy [the expensive mail-order, all-natural products three times the price] either, but I love my family…”

  4. Oh, sweet satire! How I love thee. And I’m gonna need to see the packaging for all dairy products from here on.
    Motherhood is the toughest job. That’s why I have to go to work sometimes. It’s what works for me.

  5. Pingback: Hi Point, Low Point | Long Days, Short Years

  6. My boyfriend and I laughed our butts off, (we have 9 children together, some grownish, some just think they are grown). To quote Bill Cosby “Your not a REAL parent until you have at least TWO, and they are at you and your screaming “stop touching me, stop touching me”” from Bill Cosby “Himself”, (hilariously, funny)!! In all honesty, when my children were growing up I had a job were I was required at least 50-60hr work weeks. I would of loved nothing more than to stay home and be a mommy to my babies, not a option thought, (thanks to the LOUSE of a ex-husband). So I am always very supportive and happy for people (moms and dads) who have the opportunity to be “A-Stay-At-Home-Parent”, raising your children is a gift. Not everyone has the resources. Yes, “Anonymous Mom” – I personally would love to be part of your cliche in the “Protected Garden” (BUBBLE) too!

    • Yay! Another parent that quotes Bill Cosby! My wife and I waited a little bit to have kids (married 1998, had our first in 2002) but we too look to ol’ Bill for inspiration. She’s got “The Same Thing Happens Every Night” memorized and will recite it on request. Yes, good ol’ Bill told us how parenting REALLY is.

  7. I was never a fan of helicopter and competitive parenting. Or hipster snob sensibilities. I was surprised there wasn’t a joke about superior child protective gear that’s so much better than full-on bubble wrap.

    I live in Washington state, so I smirked reading the “sustainable forest” bit. The rest of us Washingtonians weary of Seattle area attitudes, because there is more to us than just them. Plus I think probably the snobbiest in Seattle (parent or not) wishes they were really in San Francisco.

    • Are you talking about those kids with helmets and pads all over their body, in their car seats and the park etc? And it’s not because of a physical ailment it’s because their parents are “keeping them safe”? I saw a kid one day at the park “suited up” and asked if he was in a car accident, the mother said no and they left. So that’s what it’s called!! OOOOOHHHH! I didn’t know – sorry!

      • You brightened my day, for sure. I live in Kennewick, part of the “Tri-Cities”, WA, near the Hanford reservation that was part of the Manhattan Project. We, but Eastern Washington generally, has a small inferiority complex concerning the Seattle area 😉 We bristle at their suggestions that we are a nuclear cultural wasteland.

      • I literally live in a community of “perfect” people. I am such an outcast. Hence the park incident. Lol. I just smile and nod now. A Hispanic divorcee Stepford wife. So much easier. “Oh that’s wonderful, you got your boob’s done! Umm hmm” “Your husband bought you a GMC Yukon XL fully loaded for your one 5 year old, no you don’t plan on having any more, and you don’t work, that’s so nice” my inside voice -hmm wasted $ on airbags, perhaps he can give you driving lessons because when I flipped you off in my fluffy pink bathrobe this am, you thought it was the go ahead to continue to cut me off, (smiling and waving only works on some men). Then I thought crap, I must look really awful in the morning with sunglasses on, to afternoon face the world public viewing persona! So no more obscene hand or facial gestures, no speaking with out long thought, so basically no speaking, in public. And yes this is public school.

      • Hispanic divorced Stepford wife… hmm. I think I can picture it. I don’t think we have that combination here that I know of, although we might, with folks from Texas and Cali coming here for cheaper cost of living.

        I am not on the “perfect” side of the Tri-Cities, though. I am learning working class lessons from more humble folk, I guess you could say, quite a few of them Hispanic. All generally are less judgmental of our situation, or parenting style, which I think is good.

      • We love our sunshine 🙂 It’s nowhere near as hot as Arizona (nor does it last as long) but some do say “but it’s a dry heat” from time to time, with the semi-arid climate.

      • Please say it’ll be Austin– I… sadly do not have much respect for the rest of Texas for reasons that would be long and contentious to get into here. Thanks for the kind words about WA, though. Oregon… hmm. Portland wants to lay claim to Cali weirdness and Eastern Oregon is easily more boring than Eastern Washington. In my not-so-humble opinion, of course.

      • Cali is weird because….. They have the right to be weird. Who wants to be home of the Weirdos? And homeless? Oregon, I didn’t see any weirdos, tree huggers or worse protesters, to everything. Maybe it was an off week.

      • Oregon has got a divide between the I-5 corridor and much of the rest of the state, just as Washington does– it’s pretty much Sea-Tac to Portland on down. Move away from I-5 and things get rural pretty fast, especially going eastward. Oregon doesn’t have “emerging” and “sleepy metro” city areas, however, like Spokane and Kennewick-Pasco-Richland here in WA.

        I dunno. I guess what I mean is I just don’t see a lot of upwardly mobile folks with seemingly “perfect” lives. I’m also guessing condescension must be a mom thing for now. Cimmy (my wife) says people glare at her being, um, big, when our children are tall and skinny. I must be a bit oblivious by comparison, especially when most of my peers are supposedly employed and buried in work.

    • I agree,this kinda was O.D your pretty much saying that parents who CAN’T buy their children toys carved from wood “are not safe”. Our kids are perfectly happy. My child didn’t learn to read until Kindergarten, and this year she placed on top of all the other students in her grade. Sorry if I am a Mom who lets her child watch Elmo’s World and Dora if it makes her happy.

      • I have no quibble with that. I personally find Dora very annoying, but I was told the show is set up to be simple and repetitive to reach and teach the age of kids watching the show. Elmo… well, I’ve always admired the puppeeter who made him the most famous, that is, Kevin Clash. He worked on “The Great Space Coaster” and “Captain Kangaroo”, so he was an honored part of my childhood. I still say this after the recent scandal.

      • I hope he’ll come back to Sesame Street soon. I thought the scandal was blown out of proportion, and most (if not all) of his accusers knew very well what they were doing at the time.

  8. Bwahahaha. I lost it at “I made my own organic cotton baby carrier from fabric I wove myself.” I swear I know someone who said that to me once! Bwahahahahaha! –Lisa

  9. I thought this post was serious until the 3rd paragraph, and then I laughed through the rest of it. Whew. I was about to think that bitch was cray. We have our share of perfect dooshbag moms in my area also. I make up bleak stories in my head about what’s behind their drive for perfection. It distracts me from wanting to punch them in the tit. Competitive moms should give their children to nice people and go into politics where they can really soar.

    • OMG – I have to say I asked the Dr. Yesterday since we were there anyway and my kid 4 has an head which should require it’s own zip code. There is nothing to any of that junk after the age of 3. So unless your baby is a preemie and you were a big time drug or alcohol user. No body cares how big your child’s head is, unless it stops growing with the rest of its body! Oh and by the way, kid 4 knows his head is huge. He’s 95 percentile curve. And yes we pick on him for his big dome – and no his ears do not stick out. Thank god!

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