What’s meaner than high school girls with menstrual cramps and also sweeter than pictures of the newborn babies that Anne Geddes arranges in adorable baskets? If you guessed Halloween Candy, then picture me doing that thing with my first two fingers where I point at my eyes and then yours to assure you that we are on the same wavelength.
Every damn year with the Halloween candy. Sure, my favorite kind of Nike tennis shoe (Nike Air Rift) disappears forever and Trader Joe’s no longer carries my beloved Tomato Basil Soup, but Halloween candy, the cockroach of holiday accoutrements, shows up year after year. As does my resolve to ignore it, which I do. Yep, every year I Tweet about my iron, Crossfit-worthy commitment to shun the little bite-sized goodies, no matter how cute a tiny Twizzlers is. I brag, I self-congratulate, and I buy myself a nice little treat from the Kate Spade outlet store because I did it! I stayed away from Halloween candy.
Then November 2 or 3 rolls around. And my kids’ sad little piles of Tootsie Rolls and generic weirdo pumpkin candies look pathetic and unappealing. Except. Except there’s one Special Dark or Milky Way in there, shining like a pair of brand new Tory Burch shoes among dirty flip flops that no longer fit anyone in the house.
That’s when I get in trouble. And that resolve? It crumbles. But what about the Kate Spade Hallowvictory purse? Well, that was final sale so I can’t return it anyway. And my kids won’t miss this one little gem because they are too young to understand that some candy is really shitty and some candy is worth contracting diabetes for.
So, yeah, I haven’t dipped into the Costco-sized ultra jumbo bag of mostly decent Halloween candy, but it’s only October 30. Check with me on Saturday, and if you see me with a new purse, you can bet your ass it was final sale.
Want to hear more about my relationship with Halloween candy? Here’s my take on how my to balance my ghosts with my children’s joy. You want to click over because who doesn’t love a story that opens with a reference to Candy Corn?