Top 5 Things I’ve Said To Strangers This Week

Some of you stop strangers to ask for the time.  Others of you may query them in hopes of getting directions to the restaurant you can’t seem to find.  Me? I say all kinds of stuff to people I don’t know.  And now that I ride the bus instead of taking the train, well. let’s just say that the shit is getting real.

Real nuts.  Please read this list of 5 things I have said to strangers (i.e., people I do not know) in the past 7 days, then send me links to filters on Amazon.com.  The general public will thank you, as will I.

Can you get me one of these for my mouth?

Can you get me one of these for my mouth?

  1. Can I have a bite of your sandwich? Ya’ll, it looked so good. It was one of those breakfast thingys on a fluffy biscuit.  I could see cheese and crispy-edged bacon poking out of it.  What can I say? The bus lurched and I fell forward, practically in the lap of this nice old woman with killer taste in breakfast sandwiches.  Everyone’s always complaining about how socially isolated we are as a society.  Nothing says let’s connect like asking a stranger for a bite of her breakfast. Come on– it’s the most important meal of the day.
  2. Why is everyone so tense?  In another place and time, this statement would not make the list.  But let me set the scene: the date was Monday, September 30 and I’d just walked into the gym at my office, which happens to be a federal building.  Crowded around the flat screen mounted on the wall was a group of bad-ass US Marshals, all of whom were staring at the Doomsday clock on CNN.  I was trying to make conversation; they were trying to stave off the panic about a government shut down.  NOTE TO SELF: Don’t ask why federal workers are “being such a bummer” hours before their jobs are suspended.
  3. Publishing a book is my ultimate wet dream.  Did I say this? Out loud? Believe me, I’m still asking myself the same question.  While attending the Chicago Writer’s Conference last weekend, I attended a session about how to write believable sex scenes.  I guess it shook something loose in me because 10 minutes later, I found myself talking to a distinguished partner at a downtown law firm and when he asked me if I wanted to publish my book, I answered like a twelve-year-old boy (who has no filter and endured an early puberty). I’m guessing he’s thinking of how he can lure me away from my current position and have me come work for his firm.  Because discussing nocturnal emissions with strangers is professional.
  4. I loved my old gym because that’s where I lost my mucus plug.  Let me say this by way of feeble defense: when I had a C-section with Sadie, I mourned the “malfunctioning” of my body and my crushed dreams of having a vaginal birth.  So, when my body started doing what it was supposed to with Simon, I felt faith returning to me like the prodigal daughter.  The morning that I lost my mucus plug was glorious– picture how the people who went to find Jesus in the tomb felt when they’d discovered he’d risen from the dead.  Except instead of finding a loin cloth from the savior of Christian world, I found a mucus plug.  Subsequently, I was very attached to the second stall in the ladies locker room.  It was hard to leave.  It seemed important to tell my new gym membership director that story.  The look of horror on his face has led me to think otherwise.
  5. Don’t mind me; I’m just getting jiggy back here.  In a crowded, urban drug store I announced to all present that it was OK with me if the cashier took her sweet time (4.5 minutes) to open a roll of quarters, because I was “getting jiggy.” There’s so much to be ashamed of here.  First of all, it’s not 1998.  Second, the song playing in the store was Basia.  Fucking Basia.  Remember her?   Time and Tide.  Anyone? Think smooth jazz meets vocal annoyingness.  How I have I not been stabbed in the solar plexus for being such a doosh?
Advertisements

47 thoughts on “Top 5 Things I’ve Said To Strangers This Week

  1. hmmm you can talk about wet dreams but you can’t write about them… i have less problem with that then the mucus plug. ew. haha. and i have been writing loads of sex lately. it’s most fun you can do at your computer by yourself. hmm did i just say that??

  2. Why couldn’t they have come up with a better name for that anyway? They have weird medical jargon for everything else, why not for mucus plug. When my sisters told me about it I thought they were making it up to freak me out. Now I wish that were the case. sheesh.

  3. I LOVE this! Good for you! I’m gonna go out and tell strangers all my inappropriate thoughts. You know why? Because I spent most of my GD life saying exactly what I was supposed to say and look where it’s gotten me! Eff it. I’m just laying it all out there like an Outlaw Mama does!

  4. Love it! And “mucus plug” definitely needs a new name!!
    How about we say we lost our:
    – lady lid
    – baby bonnet
    – safety seal
    Or how about just … “LOOK OUT WORLD… THE KEG’S BEEN TAPPED”

  5. OMG. Would love to know what DIDN’T make the list!! Haha. An update on how Kegel exercises are progressing? I have a friend who does this and for her birthday we made her an “Inappropriate” stamp and we stamp her hand whenever we get TMI. Side note: Mucus Plug should really be the name of a band.

  6. Not exactly on topic (like that’s gonna stop me), but yesterday I had to actually say theses words: “If you know you have to fart, don’t stand next to your brother while he’s eating.” Followed quickly by: “Don’t stick your butt up against the dog’s cage. I don’t care if his head’s at the other end of the cage. His sense of smell is 40,000 times greater than yours. You may kill him.”

    Ooh, on a truly related note, when my son was a toddler (in that point-everything-out-to-keep-yourself-sane-in-the-car phase) I for some reason happened to be riding in a car without my son but with my boss when I blurted out: “Ooh! Look! A COW!” Thankfully, he has grandkids, so he understood.

  7. Perfect timing 🙂 I am going to my first writer’s convention this Saturday and I’m desperately hoping to avoid all strangers so that no one can tell me about their wet dreams or mucus plug!

    I guess we would never meet in “real” life 🙂

      • I’m just giving you a hard time. Yes, I seriously love Basia, but if you don’t, I won’t lose any sleep over it. I learned long ago that people have particular tastes in music, and those people that claim they don’t (“I like everything!”) are people you need to be suspicious of, hehe.

      • You’ve immediately redeemed yourself… ha ha, teasing again, but I love Captain and Tenille, too. They are talented, no question, and “soft rock” was the bedrock of my very early childhood. I won’t apologize for loving it, and any rocker that would dare razz me for it will quickly learn I’ll pull punk and tell ’em when, where, and how to stick it.

  8. I don’t really think I got the correct takeaway, but I really want a yummy breakfast sandwich right now. I lost my mucus plug at a job I hated and it seemed fitting since they were stealing soul that they would also get a physical piece of my body.

  9. I do this type of thing all the time. Most of the time, people don’t know what to say and uncomfortably try to shuffle away from me. My absolute favorite is when it happens while I’m dressed like a “lady.”

    I was in court recently to fight some traffic tickets and was dressed to the nines. Nice clothes, hair washed AND done, and even some makeup. The man sitting next to me kept smiling and glancing in my direction and I could tell that he wanted to make small talk. When he finally asked me how my day was going, I responded with “Well, it would be better if these damn Spanx weren’t trying to squeeze a metric ton of rancid ass blast out of me right now. I feel like I’m about to give birth to a sea turtle.”

    He quickly moved about halfway down the bench. Then I looked him in the eye and said, “It’s not really a turtle. Or even poop. I just have to fart.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s