Free Reusable Tote Bag Has Me Thinking I Need A Full-Time Job

My idea of fun.  Someone please help me.

My idea of fun. Someone please help me.

Of all the things I’ve admitted on this blog, I’m the most embarrassed about today’s true confession: I organized my whole week around the opening of a new grocery store.

Did you read that?  Let me say this another way.  On Sunday, I surveyed my entire week’s plans and obligations and moved them around like chess pieces so that I could attend the Grand Opening of a new grocery store two blocks from my house.  What the hell is next? Collecting coins or knitting my own fanny packs?

I was sort of obsessed with this whole “event.”  When my eyes popped open yesterday morning, my first thought was about the route we’d take from school to the store.  I reminded the kids about 10 times where we were going after I picked them up.  We know.  You already told us.

And gushing about the opening is only going to make me sound lamer, but I’ma do it anyway. Check this out: we hadn’t been in the store five minutes before we were offered samples of Naked juice, caramel popcorn, and pumpkin muffins.  By the time I reached the first aisle, I’d easily consumed 2,500 calories, picking up little bites of this and that from uniformed staff who acted more like I was a guest at a wedding reception than a patron of a local grocery store.  My kids helped themselves to chicken sausage, roasted tomatoes, and mini pork tacos.  When Simon dropped his pork filling on the floor, I let him pick it up and eat it because BRAND NEW GROCERY STORE FLOOR.

Not to speak ill of Costco, but this opening blew their shit outta the water.

My kids were freaked out that there was an actual, populated bee hive in the store next to the honey display.  The saxophone player accompanying the pianist was maybe a little over the top, but I wont’ lie– I hummed along to Careless Whisper.

It was my first grand opening of a grocery store, and I honestly hope it was my last.  I mean, shouldn’t I have more going on in my life than this?  Free muffin samples and live musak were the pinnacle of my week? Really?

When the buzz of free food and the complimentary reusable tote wore off, I couldn’t help but think this: Maybe it’s time I get a full-time job.

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43 thoughts on “Free Reusable Tote Bag Has Me Thinking I Need A Full-Time Job

  1. hahahaha! And I thought I was bad throwing a freakin’ parade for the start of the Fall TV premiers! This was so funny. New grocery stores ARE fun, aren’t they? I still get excited entering a Central Market. *squeeee*

  2. Thanks for the Wednesday morning laugh! You kill me. “Not to speak ill of Costco, but this opening blew their shit outta the water.” And, really, who can resist humming along with “Careless Whisper”? Not I!

  3. YOU need a full-time job? Why do I feel like you already have 3 full-time jobs? The same reason you arranged your schedule around this opening — you don’t do anything half-assed!! My favorite line — BECAUSE BRAND NEW GROCERY STORE FLOOR.

  4. Not so weird. I have a full time job and last week I arranged my entire week around a trip to TJ Maxx on the day they got their new shipment of merchandise because I wanted picture frames and NO ONE was getting to those new frames before I did.

  5. I just laughed so hard I spit out my hot chocolate. And that’s saying something, because I never give up even a mouthful of cocoa.

    Dude, you are hilarious and twisted and adorable and pathetic and wonderful and smart and funny and talented. Please don’t notice the pathetic in there. Because the other stuff would suffer wihtout your weirdness.

  6. I remember when the Marianos and Target near my house opened within weeks of each other. I had Rhys counting down the days until I realized how sad that was. I’ll tempt you out of your self-imposed grand opening boycott once the Nordstrom Rack and Loft open in our neighborhood (soon!). Free tote bags for everyone!

  7. A new huge grocery store (like a Super Target) opened near me within weeks of me quitting my job last year. I took it as an omen. And I was there with bells on for the Grand Opening.

  8. Getting excited about a new grocery store too blocks from your place? HELL yeah. I did that, once. But it was not a fancy schmancy grocery store, though. It was a Grocery Outlet. Collecting coins and knitting fanny packs? Naw, girl, you’re like mad swag in comparison! I looked up Mariano’s. Fan-ceee! Free grocery tote? Better samples than Costco? I’d be all over that like a scruffy panhandler with enough money for an AYCE buffet!

    You can’t be embarassed… I refuse! Especially not humming to Wham!, either!

  9. I’m counting the minutes until the Mariano’s in my neighborhood opens up, and disdainful of Black Friday crowds that I am, with Mariano’s, you’d better believe I want to be there on the first day. And I’ll let you know in advance. Come! Bring the kids! And I want in on that Nordstrom Rack.

  10. You’re not crazy! There’s something awesome about new grocery stores! I think when I actually walk into one again (even if it’s not new) am going to soak up every single second and breath deeply into that funky meat department aroma.

  11. I am right with you. There’s a new grocery store opening next week that’s on my way home from the day care and I’ve been debating for weeks if I should go there first before picking my daughter up or bring her along. This is a hotly contested mental debate.

  12. I had to look up Mariano’s to see what it was. There’s another opening on the 29th in Wheaton. I don’t know where that is, but thought you should know about it. There’s a Shop-Rite opening by me soon and I assure you the opening will be nothing like what you experienced.

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