Ya’ll, despite the 500 blog posts that seem to indicate otherwise, I am smart. Really smart. Not so smart that I’m “scary” or “genius” or Nobel Prizey, but smart enough to finish numero uno at law school. And I refuse to apologize for bragging about that, because FUCK PLAYING SMALL ALL THE DAMN TIME. Plus, it underscores the important point I am about to make.
Why, for the love of Kodachrome, are my children’s picture day forms so dang hard to understand? My two-year-old son’s form was about six pages single-spaced. At first I thought it was too heady to comprehend because I was ovulating. Then there was the government shut-down, which affected my higher functioning. Was my brain shrinking? Was I pregnant? Why oh why couldn’t I figure out whether I wanted the “Giggle” package or the “Grins” one? (Seriously, is there anything lamer than picture-day puns? Where was the “shits-and-giggles” mega-deal package?)
My daughter’s form wasn’t much better, but I muddled through. Then, my husband threw a wrench into the works by suggesting we sign Sadie up for the “retake” day. While it’s factually accurate that the initial picture looked nothing like Sadie, and could hardly be construed as a “good” picture, I was offended that he suggested we do “retakes.” How millennial can you be? I have years of less-than-stellar school pictures that are part of the photo essay of my life. Isn’t that the point of school pictures– they make you look hideous and provide an archival reminder of how bad your parents’ taste in youth fashion was?
When I logged on to sign up for “retakes,” I thought for a second I was applying for a mortgage, except that would be easier and less time-consuming than dealing with school pictures. I am not sure I successfully signed up for the retakes because two different computers went down before I could complete the questions.
In the end, we’ll have the damn school pictures, even though we have no intention of displaying them anywhere because we literally have one thousand better pictures of both of the kids. But you know, there’s something about a school picture. I just had to have ’em, even though I’ll never get those 12 hours I spent filling out the forms back.