Halloween Candy, the Cockroach of Holiday Accoutrements

What’s meaner than high school girls with menstrual cramps and also sweeter than pictures of the newborn babies that Anne Geddes arranges in adorable baskets? If you guessed Halloween Candy, then picture me doing that thing with my first two fingers where I point at my eyes and then yours to assure you that we are on the same wavelength.

Sweet bitches

Sweet bitches

Every damn year with the Halloween candy.  Sure, my favorite kind of Nike tennis shoe (Nike Air Rift) disappears forever and Trader Joe’s no longer carries my beloved Tomato Basil Soup, but Halloween candy, the cockroach of holiday accoutrements, shows up year after year.   As does my resolve to ignore it, which I do.  Yep, every year I Tweet about my iron, Crossfit-worthy commitment to shun the little bite-sized goodies, no matter how cute a tiny Twizzlers is.  I brag, I self-congratulate, and I buy myself a nice little treat from the Kate Spade outlet store because I did it! I stayed away from Halloween candy.

Then November 2 or 3 rolls around.  And my kids’ sad little piles of Tootsie Rolls and generic weirdo pumpkin candies look pathetic and unappealing.  Except.  Except there’s one Special Dark or Milky Way in there, shining like a pair of brand new Tory Burch shoes among dirty flip flops that no longer fit anyone in the house.

That’s when I get in trouble.  And that resolve? It crumbles.  But what about the Kate Spade Hallowvictory purse?  Well, that was final sale so I can’t return it anyway.  And my kids won’t miss this one little gem because they are too young to understand that some candy is really shitty and some candy is worth contracting diabetes for.

So, yeah, I haven’t dipped into the Costco-sized ultra jumbo bag of mostly decent Halloween candy, but it’s only October 30.  Check with me on Saturday, and if you see me with a new purse, you can bet your ass it was final sale.

Want to hear more about my relationship with Halloween candy? Here’s my take on how my to balance my ghosts with my children’s joy.  You want to click over because who doesn’t love a story that opens with a reference to Candy Corn?


38 thoughts on “Halloween Candy, the Cockroach of Holiday Accoutrements

  1. Damn Halloween candy. I specifically buy the kind I like so I can snack on it while handing it out to the neighborhood kids. One year we had NO trick-or-treaters – so guess who finished off the bag of fun-sized Reese’s?

  2. Oh god, this: picture me doing that thing with my first two fingers where I point at my eyes and then yours. So hysterical!

    Oy, that damn candy gets me every year! And I’m not even a big candy/chocolate/sweets person. But I buy stuff I like as well, and tend to walk by it and grab one out of the bag a full week (and onwards) before Halloween! And yes, the years when we get no kids . . . there is a vat of leftover candy. I take most of it into the office, but there are always a few stragglers . . .

  3. This is my first year in a place where kids are likely to trick or treat so I have stocked up on candy and hid it on top of the fridge where I won’t see it… I can’t open the bags until Thursday at 7PM because I know I’ll just start chomping it down. I’d better have a lot of kids come by or else they’re each getting 15 pieces of candy.

  4. Fool that I am, I started reading a book over the weekend about making healthier eating choices. And then I went to the grocery store to stock up on Reese’s, Snickers, and Milky Ways. And then I remembered that Thanksgiving now begins on November 1 and Christmas the day after. And then I put that book on a high shelf, yes I did, for safe keeping until the season of plenty floats on by.

  5. This is the first year we really have Halloween candy in the house because we don’t have kids and we didn’t really get trick or treaters in my apartment. But in our new suburban paradise, apparently my street is inundated with them every year, and since Sandy cancelled Halloween last year, this year is supposed to be bigger than ever. So I’ve spent the last week trying to avoid the bags of Reeses PB cups, which, since they’re closed, hasn’t been awful. But when I get home tomorrow night, I’m falling on that leftover candy like it’s the last Costco sample on the plate.

  6. I waited to get candy until today (tonight is a church trunk-or-treat). Many years, I’ve been cheap-ass and gotten the mixed hard candies that supposedly aren’t very popular. Today, this year, I was still cheap-ass and got mixed hard candies, but added cheap-o Palmer wrapped chocolates. Those kids lusting after King-size candy bars will just have to lust elsewhere. Just means more for me (and family) later. I love it all. Yes, even the dreaded candy corn. Except PEZ. Dispensers= cool, PEZ candy= nasty. Well, and maybe old-school candy buttons.

      • Thanks! I agree with the others here that one should get candy that they like: Cimmy and I have the added benefit of liking candy that’s not especially trendy, and cheap! (Except… she likes Pez candy. Oh well, my daughter solidly agrees with me.)

      • As far as things, yes. One of my running jokes is “my wife insists that I am neither easy, or cheap.” It usually comes after online exchanges that go like this: “What? I’ll tell your wife you said that!” and me replying, “Go ahead, tell her” and “You may think she LOOKS innocent, but years ago, good friends of hers assured me that she wasn’t.”

  7. We haven’t bought Halloween candy yet because I didn’t want to eat it. We will buy it tomorrow and get mixture of the faves and the kind that we won’t eat, even if you put it right in front of our faves.

    Can’t resist the peanut butter cups or Kit Kats. 🙂

  8. I just bought the candy tonight. I might have actually burned myself out on Reese’s. I didn’t think it was possible. I’m eyeing the kit kats. And the junior mints.

  9. I don’t know if you’ll get this in time. Are you around today (Saturday)? I’m heading to the city for “Conversations with Donna Tartt” at the auditorium at NW School of Law on Chicago Ave. I thought I read you are now residing somewhere off of Mich. Ave. If so, and you have time for tea/coffee this afternoon, let me know. My gig starts at 5:30 but I’d like to get in around 5:00 so before that. If not you, I will spend some time with Stuart Weitzman (it will just cost me, er him, more!).

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