What the Hell Is A “Snow Event”? Nevermind, Don’t Tell Me

Hell is not hot; It's cold.  Image credit: http://versatiledesigns.net/snow-tunnel-wallpaper

Hell is not hot; It’s cold. Image credit: http://versatiledesigns.net/snow-tunnel-wallpaper

As I was dressing for my 5-degree (Farenheit) walk to work, the meteorologist on my morning radio station said that there are two “snow events” expected this week.  I flipped off the volume because I don’t know what a “snow event” is, but I’m positive I hate it.

I’m 18 years into my Midwestern living and still –the snow, the layers upon layers of clothes, the housebound days–  shock and outrage me.  How dare you, Mother Nature? You know, I am a mother too, and I feel guilty when I snap at my children, but that bitch Mother Nature thinks nothing of trapping me in my dirty house with my small children with nothing to do but snack and rip sh*t up.

It’s getting to me already and it’s not even January.  So help me Buddha if one more person who lives in Paradise southern California tells me that they “miss the seasons” while lounging beneath the shady comfort of their flowering lemon tree (in late December!), I’m going to be committing a misdemeanor.

Are there upsides to this upcoming “snow event” (that I refuse to acknowledge was actually announced in the plural)? Sure.  There’s sledding, and “getting cozy” while watching movies, and drinking melted chocolate.  Yeah, there’s all that.  As for sledding, I find it a little too dangerous for my taste to hurtle my 2-year old down a slick hill with only his four-year-old sister as a buffer between him and the frozen tundra.  Getting cozy and watching a movie? Also not my cup of tea since every movie we’ve ever tried to watch scares my kids in the opening credits.  Of course I am down with drinking hot chocolately beverages, but high doses of sugar mixed with heavy doses of indoor living just don’t mix.

So, I’ve made peace with being a lame winter mom.  I hate the snow, I hate the cold, I hate constantly badgering my kids about where their gloves are or whether they remembered to bring their snow pants home from school.


Jeff can escort the children into the mystical snow events that are coming up.  I’ll happily head to work on public transportation where it will be hard to squeeze into a seat because everyone’s wearing such puffy gear.   I’ll be listening to Jimmy Buffett and the Beach Boys trying every trick I know to forget about the weather, one moment at a time.


40 thoughts on “What the Hell Is A “Snow Event”? Nevermind, Don’t Tell Me

  1. I get the winter blues, too. I’m just horrible in December, what with the short days. Thank God the New Year is thrown in there; it inspires me to break out of my lazy, weight gaining December mode and try to do something about it. I agree. Blech.

  2. Hey, could I trade you? Mother Nature is mopping the floor with me. Keep getting “tonic spasms”– shakes, tremors, and spasms where I’m fully conscious, but can’t control any of it.

    And the spine-tingling procedure of today hasn’t even happened yet.

  3. A tip for beating these “snow events”: Get yourself a heat lamp, sip a beverage containing coconut rum, and read Jimmy Buffet’s book A Salty Piece of Land. I promise you’ll feel like you’re on the islands in minutes.

      • Yes, I am quite the renaissance woman when it comes to my reading choices…I’ve been perusing my list of the books I read in 2013 in preparation for my year end post tomorrow, and I read, among other things, 85 full blown romance novels and 26 post-9/11 spy novels. I think that may make me a little bit nuts.

  4. wait! you were singing january’s praises before and i was trying desperately to buy into it. i hate the cold and the snow, unless i’m alone in a heated house with a freezer of ice cream, a never ending cup of wine and my keyboard. just the thought of that makes me warm all over. 🙂

  5. I know I should totally agree with this since I’m a “get out and do something kind of person”, but I don’t mind lazy winter. Right now my kids are happy playing with their new Christmas loot and I’m LAZY so I love me some uggs. I’ll be ready to flip my lid come March, but I’ve still got some time. And we have family membership passes to the Natural History Museum and MoMA. Museums are definitely our go-to in the winter. Let them rip sh*t up there. I’m scared to try the movie theater. Plus it’s so damn expensive!

    • Yeah, I boldly proclaimed we were going to the movies yesterday and then realized that I would rather take my kids to knife sharpening class. The museums will be our saving grace too. I just miss the outdoor running so much I get funky.

      On Mon, Dec 30, 2013 at 12:42 PM, Outlaw Mama

  6. I wish I could commiserate. I do. But here in the armpit of Texas, Mother Nature (the bitch) is a wee bit bipolar. We go from a high of 10 degrees one day to a balmy 65 degrees the next. I think I’m incubating some form of the plague from all the temperature changes. I’m also sick of wearing sweaters with my bikini bottoms (and my co-workers are sick of being traumatized by the sight). So yeah, at least Mother Nature has settled on something where you are (which I assume is “cold as Hell”). I’m thinking warm and cold, warm and cold, warm and cold thoughts for you. Seriously, stay warm!! 🙂

  7. It’s been pretty dry here in N. Texas, but the week before Thanksgiving we had a week of ice. ICE. Sucked donkey balls. We had two snow days – a Friday and the following Monday. How about that for mother nature laughing at me? Four days with my kids stuck in the house. And trust me. They did eat and rip sh#t up. I have two boys. They pretty much always do that. The first day it was awesome, I must say, because they also cancelled my husband’s work (so rare!) so he was home to break out the sleds and play with them outside. But the next day it turned more slushy. And it was just cold. And they were all inside…..driving me batty! GAH.

  8. They should come up with a sleep version of hit chocolate that would make your kids sleep for extra long periods….you know those scientist assholes can figure it out. They are just being lazy!…or they are stuck in a snow event.

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