I’ve got a diet tip. It’s hard core. You’ve gotta be serious about shedding unwanted weight, though.
Lots of people lie about diet tips because they want your money. Not me. You can trust me, I drive a mini-van.
It’s not about stocking your fridge full of kale, chia or whatever bullshit faddish thing everyone is yapping about on bona fide health blogs. You’re welcome to do that, but honestly it’s beside the point.
It’s also not about having a buff and gruff personal trainer who will lift your leg so high over your head his face will be in your crotch, and you’ll be all is this good for my marriage? But if you’ve got a kettle bell coming from Amazon Prime or just bought a treadmill on eBay, that’s cool.
Again, beside the point.
If you want to just cut the heart out of your appetite and win the calorie roulette game, get yourself a small animal. Any one will do: mouse, rat, hamster, ferret. If feral cats are your thing, go for it. Just the other night, I saw a raccoon as big as a kindergartener with giantism. If you can catch one of those, you’re golden.
Now, take your animal and bury him somewhere in your car. No fair just lifting up the floor mat. Really wedge that critter in somewhere good. Perhaps remove the glove compartment and shove it back there.
If you are sensitive, you can have someone else do the burying. Better yet, you can just leave some Pirates Booty or Goldfish in your van, forget to shut the doors, and let Nature takes its course. That was the method I used, but I know you– You are proactive. You want results. You don’t want to wait for a family of rats to inhabit the car. Have it your way; take life by the balls and shove a small marsupial in your chassis.
Did I mention you should do all of the above right before a polar vortex? Because plunging temperatures are going to sap the life force out of the animal and it will die quickly. (Don’t go all PETA on me; it’s nature. Don’t hate the player; hate the game.)
Here’s the magic of my diet: All you have to do is carry on with your life while there is a small animal decomposing in your car. You will lose your appetite. You will be unable to get that heinous smell out your nasal memory so when you step into a kitchen that has odors of any kind, you will be immediately transported to your car where and that smell. Ohmygodthatsmell.
But you’ll get skinnier. You will be so nauseated that you will pass up chances to eat Nilla Wafers with the Baby Jesus because that smell. You may start to think that the rotten milk left out on a west Texas highway in August sounds like a vente cup of Heaven compared to the rat graveyard in your car. This is normal. Do NOT panic. But if you do panic, don’t worry– you’re not going to emotionally eat over this because, that smell is now everywhere, even when you are ten miles away from your car and dousing yourself with Jo Malone’s Pear & Blackberry perfume.
If you’re serious about losing weight, try it. Like me, you will find that your skinny jeans have a little more give, your thong more breathing room.
It really works. You just have to commit
So, who’s in?