I Smell A Diet Tip

I’ve got a diet tip.  It’s hard core.  You’ve gotta be serious about shedding unwanted weight, though.

Lots of people lie about diet tips because they want your money.  Not me.  You can trust me, I drive a mini-van.

It’s not about stocking your fridge full of kale, chia or whatever bullshit faddish thing everyone is yapping about on bona fide health blogs.  You’re welcome to do that, but honestly it’s beside the point.

It’s also not about having a buff and gruff personal trainer who will lift your leg so high over your head his face will be in your crotch, and you’ll be all  is this good for my marriage?  But if you’ve got a kettle bell coming from Amazon Prime or just bought a treadmill on eBay, that’s cool.

Again, beside the point.

If you want to just cut the heart out of your appetite and win the calorie roulette game, get yourself a small animal.  Any one will do: mouse, rat, hamster, ferret.  If feral cats are your thing, go for it.  Just the other night, I saw a raccoon as big as a kindergartener with giantism.  If you can catch one of those, you’re golden.

Now, take your animal and bury him somewhere in your car.  No fair just lifting up the floor mat.  Really wedge that critter in somewhere good.  Perhaps remove the glove compartment and shove it back there.

If you are sensitive, you can have someone else do the burying.  Better yet, you can just leave some Pirates Booty or Goldfish in your van, forget to shut the doors, and let Nature takes its course.  That was the method I used, but I know you– You are proactive. You want results.  You don’t want to wait for a family of rats to inhabit the car.  Have it your way; take life by the balls and shove a small marsupial in your chassis.

Did I mention you should do all of the above right before a polar vortex? Because plunging temperatures are going to sap the life force out of the animal and it will die quickly. (Don’t go all PETA on me; it’s nature. Don’t hate the player; hate the game.)

Here’s the magic of my diet: All you have to do is carry on with your life while there is a small animal decomposing in your car.  You will lose your appetite.  You will be unable to get that heinous smell out your nasal memory so when you step into a kitchen that has odors of any kind, you will be immediately transported to your car where and that smell.  Ohmygodthatsmell.

But you’ll get skinnier.  You will be so nauseated that you will pass up chances to eat Nilla Wafers with the Baby Jesus because that smell.  You may start to think that the rotten milk left out on a west Texas highway in August sounds like a vente cup of Heaven compared to the rat graveyard in your car.  This is normal.  Do NOT panic.  But if you do panic, don’t worry– you’re not going to emotionally eat over this because, that smell is now everywhere, even when you are ten miles away from your car and dousing yourself with Jo Malone’s Pear & Blackberry perfume.

If you’re serious about losing weight, try it.  Like me, you will find that your skinny jeans have a little more give, your thong more breathing room.

It really works.  You just have to commit murder.

So, who’s in?


70 thoughts on “I Smell A Diet Tip

  1. OH! I just about want to vomit (right before I go to bed). Seriously! A smell that nasty gets stuck in your nostril hairs and you can’t get rid of it! Good luck with that!!! And how did you know that’s where I keep the secret stash of chocolate covered almonds that the realtor gives us for Christmas every year? Really.

  2. Oh my god, is it gone . . . the dead critter, that is? How does the story end? I’m nauseous and queasy just reading your story. I hate rodents – whether dead in your car or running across my head while I’m in bed. Ick! Ick! Ick!

    I’m delighted your sense of humor is still in tact. Happy for this connection with you. Love you. Miss you.

  3. I’ve already got nausea with my wrecked back… I’m not so sure about this. Besides, ain’t never gonna wear no skinny jeans. I don’t think it would ever be possible without a lot of emaciation.

  4. A few years ago we had a mouse die in the walls of the family room… OMG… we all went anorexic until that thing finally decayed completely…you need a priest for that stank…My kid moved to his father’s house for a week just to get away and that’s saying something as it was usually his father he was trying to get away from! I know a good exorcist if ya need one!

  5. This was hilarious. And gross. 🙂 I remember once, my dog found a dead animal outside and was rolling around with the carcas. I picked her up, holding her away from me, and walked right into the shower clothes and all. That. Smell. Omg.

  6. Weight loss is the sparliest silver lining that ever was. I’ll trade cars for a few days to drop a few lbs. That would test my theory of “I’m a scientist who grew up on a farm, I could eat in a slaughterhouse.” Of course, if I were a good scientist, I could tell you how long you have to endure the decomposing flesh stench. Alas, this is not my field of study. I’m guessing my cat could sniff out the location for you. She can smell a can of tuna two floors away.

  7. Favorite line: Shove a small marsupial in your chassis.
    This sounds horrible. I hope you can find the source.
    You do realize that some people are so desperate to lose weight they may try this, don’t you? You could make millions travelling the globe inserting small marsupials in the chassis of each customer’s car.
    Do you have any idea how hard it was to construct that last sentence so as not to need the plural of chassis?

    • YES I DO because seriously, what the Hez-ell is the plural of Chassis????? I had to google chassis as it is! Thanks for feeling my pain. I knew you would after your bug post. Critters….some of them only St. Francis can love.

      On Tue, Jan 21, 2014 at 10:38 AM, Outlaw Mama

  8. My husband and I fought the War Against Critters in our family room wall last year. Eight months, over $1000, and a “wildlife specialist” later and I’m proud to say we’re critter-free. Hang in there!

    • Yeah, we’re about to have to call in the professionals too. There’s only so much you can do with YouTube videos and panic.

      On Tue, Jan 21, 2014 at 11:21 AM, Outlaw Mama

  9. A very long time ago, a mouse somehow got into our oven and died. We did not know this. We cooked tater tots. I will never eat tater tots again. I think you are on to something here.

  10. Very familiar with the smell. Back in the ’80’s, we lived in a 100 year old farm house that came with mice. At first, we put out poison, but they died behind the walls – of the kitchen. You bet it spoils your appetite. After that we used mouse traps.

    I hope you find whatever crawled up in your car and died! In the meantime, drive with the windows down.

  11. Oh GOD I have missed Yeah Write! “take life by the balls and shove a small marsupial in you r chassis.” That’s just got to be one of the kick assiest sentences ever right there. I laughed and now can’t get the image out of my brain. (Oh. And the smell. Yeah. Grew up in an old farmhouse. With no foundation. The building had timber beams running from one side to the other underneath. At least a million small animals died and rotted right exactly under the house under my bed.)

  12. Bahahahah omg Christie!!! That’s HORRIBLE – I’m so sorry that happened. But hilarious post. I’m kind of pissed at Anna and her dad for burying our fish that died while I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago. I would totally be skinny right now.

  13. I’m sorry, but I can’t get over the part where you left your doors open in the frigid temps. How does THAT happen? And thanks for the tip, but I’ll think I’ll pass. I’d much rather lose weight the old fashioned way . . . starving myself, then binge eating pasta and triple chocolate chip cookies, then self hatred and starving again.

  14. My Mom ended up with a nest of mice in her car heater once. It helps spread the smell for you that way. And you are totally right – eewwww!

    If you were to make your living as a diet guru with this method, as suggested above, where would you source all the small marsupials?

    Just wondering, because that’s how my mind works, when it works.

  15. Pingback: Feature Friday: Outlaw Mama | Stuphblog

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