Are the Early Morning Gym People Getting Weirder Or Am I?

Hit the gym or stay in bed_thumb[2]

Children have a way of ruining early morning jaunts to the gym, which is why I haven’t done many since Sadie was born four and a half years ago.  But thanks to a new friend who’s willing to pick me up and ferry me to spin class, I’m back on the 6 AM circuit.

Query: have the people at the gym gotten weirder or have I gotten less tolerant?

What the hell is up with the lady who spread out all of her cosmetics on the community counter? Why do I need to see her toning lotion, her moisturizer, her firming gel, her eye cream, and her three (!) bottles of foundation?  She had them lined up in a semi-circle.  Damn stuff looked like an amphitheater she’d constructed around herself.  Easy there, you’re not Adam Levine and this ain’t Madison Square Garden.  I stood there and stared at her because I had to see what size make-up bag she put all that crap into.  Guess what? After applying each of her products, she scooped the bottles into a Lululemon bag (size Large).  I have to say I pretty much saw that coming, but it was still worth being a few minutes late to work to confirm.

Before motherhood, certain gym people grossed me out.  Like the women who insist on sitting on the bench with their bare butts putting half a gallon of lotion all over their bodies.   Also, I was always mystified by the ones who had to do everything naked– hug their friends, dry their hair, pluck their eyebrows, read the paper.  Everything.  I’m not much of a doing-chores-while-naked type of person, so their willingness to tackle dozens of morning rituals in the buff in front of a locker room full of women was something of a revelation to me.

Now that I have passed through motherhood, those women don’t gross me out.  The bar is so much higher now.  One of them would have to shit on me to phase me after the things I’ve seen in motherhood.  Hell, I hardly flinched when I forgot my shower shoes– I just prayed that the flesh-eating bacteria would be too grossed out by my winter, pedicure-less toes to attack.

And that woman who was talking on the phone loud enough to drown out all three TV’s, well, she was annoying, but not gross.  It seemed important to her to tell her boyfriend that she’d just run into an ex-boyfriend who “looked fierce as hell” and “asked for her number.” I get that.  Some calls can’t wait until 7:00 AM.

But I do think it’s weird that in a room full of empty lockers, someone had to pick the one right next to mine– where I happened to be in a towel doing that awkward balancing thing you have to do when you are putting tights on while standing up.  Why did she have to pick the locker next to mine? It reminded me of my kids who want to rub up against me when I most need some space.

I also thought the woman who asked me to move my bag so she could get to the trash can it was ostensibly blocking was kind of hostile, considering there were three other trash cans closer to her that were wholly unobstructed.  I’ve heard of having a preference for a certain treadmill or spin bike, but trashcan in the locker room? That one’s new.

So many people, so many habits, so much territory to claim.  I have to relearn the unspoken rule.  I also have to get some counter space before Adam Levine shows up with her suitcase full of face mousse.  It’s going to take a little getting used to.

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38 thoughts on “Are the Early Morning Gym People Getting Weirder Or Am I?

    • Well, that’s something I hadn’t thought of. There was no pre-baby prancing around me. I think those people may sleep in at my gym.

      On Wed, Feb 26, 2014 at 11:30 AM, Outlaw Mama wrote:

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  1. This is hilarious. “One would have to shit in me…” is a personal fave. That and “Some things can’t wait…” Thanks for the laughs.

  2. So many gems in this one — and I don’t even go to the “gym” gym (I’m a yoga rat). Love it! PS – why do kids always want to sit ON you, not a respectable distance away?

  3. I have personal space issue as I’ve gotten older so the locker thing would have bugged the crap out of me. I also have problems with people unaware of their own personal space in a class, the locker room or wherever. What used to drive me nuts is a woman who used to blow dry her hair with a towel around her waist (only) at a peak time in the locker room. Why?

  4. I will never understand the do everything naked people. Like, I get it. You are comfortable with your body and don’t have any self doubt hang ups. Bravo for you and all, but maybe I DO. And why do I have to be subjected to the entirety of your nakedness that early in the morning? Too much flesh before the sun even rises.

  5. When I went to the gym I did it after work. I changed at home, went, then immediately left again. Weird things seem to happen in the locker room and I always feel awkward in there so I don’t even bother with it.

  6. Those early mornings are an absolute killer, but it’s totally worth it just to experience the people who populate the gym before 7am. I’m back on the 5:45am wake-up/6am gym circuit too, and I’m pretty sure those same weirdos live at mine too.

  7. Guys can be plenty weird like this, too. But usually, I go during the middle of the day, and I generally just focused very hard on rehab/injury recovery, and so the weirdness just generally got shunted to the background.

    Besides, most of the weirdness I witnessed tended to be at the pool, not the locker room. The little old Asian man that did pullups off the pool stairs. The pervy guys looking down from the exercise room upstairs hoping to see old lady cleavage. The young woman who looked like she was about to fall out of her bikini top. The cougar on the prowl at the water park (yes, a water park space at the gym).

      • Oh, that was the LAST gym I was at, actually. I moved to a smaller gym about a year ago because insurance covered membership there. I do miss the Court Club, since it was a lot closer to where I live, and I guess I do miss a lot of the crazy characters. The newer gym has a more interesting name- Kia Ora, but again, smaller, and less chances for crazy.

  8. You’re so damned funny.

    All those people are the reason I can’t bear to head back to the gym. Less fit, running too infrequently, and doing yoga with kittens hanging off whatever limb is extended are not ideal. But neither are makeup lady and trash can lady. In fact, I’d probably sprain something trying to subtlely dissuade them from existing.

  9. I share your pet peeves. Some people are way too comfortable with themselves! Growing up Catholic I had a lot of lessons in shame but sometimes I think other people need a small dose, if you know what I mean, just a little bit.

  10. I am a total germaphobe. Why do people insist on sitting on the seat with a bare butt? I am also okay with nakedness, but there is a limit. I hate it when they blow their hair dry with their hair upside down with nothing on. No good can come from being around that. Personal space? I tend to open the locker all the way so it blocks one side while I spread my stuff out in front of the other one. I have since stopped going to the locker room so I can avoid these people.

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