Let’s play a game.
Okay. Sit up. Put on your thinking cap, your listening ears and your big girl pants. Think long and hard before you answer this question because valuable prizes await you. Deep breaths. Do a few push ups to really get your blood flowing. Beat your chest. Brush your hair. Toss back a breath mint.
Question: What is the best part of having two kids with two different spring breaks?
If you guessed abso-fucking-lutely nothing, then you win. Pat yourself on the back and tune in to QVC right now– whatever they are selling, buy it. You deserve it. Give them my credit card number. My password is FckSprgBrk
Because spring break, can so suck it. And I’m not even mad at the weather, though I have every stinking right to be.
Here’s how spring break is going down in my house. Sadie went first. Of course her spring break was really a winter break since it snowed every other day, but I digress. (What the world needs now is a few more bloggers complaining about the weather. Amiright?) Anyway, each morning I had to drag her out of bed and explain that no, she wasn’t going to school, but Simon was and she had to get in the car with us. Then, both of them would burst into spasms of devastation: Sadie because she wasn’t going to school; Simon because he was.
It made our normal, both-kids-going-school routine seem like a morning at my favorite spa, the one where Enya plays nonstop and some hot Cuban guy hands me fresh strawberries and cucumber water.
Oh the keening of my children for the other’s experience.
To survive the break, I planned wonderful activities for me and Sadie to do while Simon was in school. As I explained those to Sadie, Simon choked on his own grief.
It was terrible. All of it.
The good news is that we can relieve all of those special moments in two weeks when Simon’s spring break starts. Extra bonus for all: Simon’s spring break lasts for two weeks. Whatkindofschoolbreaksfortwoweeks? When I think of ten more days of the uninterrupted strife I will endure as I try to parent two people who seem more like soap opera stars than little children, my mind goes blank. Like that blue screen that shows up when your computer is trying to tell you to go fuck yourself in its mute, computer-y way.
There must be a way to do this better. But I can’t think of it. All I can do is see that blank screen in my mind and feel my body shaking with dread so strong I think I might give myself shingles.
Someone please help me.